last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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