Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I would ride that face into the sunset
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize