Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize