This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
