I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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