I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The air was thick with penises
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
