i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
