Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
