U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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