Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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