then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
