u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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