It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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