Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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