i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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