Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
where does the pee come out of this thing
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She's the barista slut.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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