my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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