Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
