4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize