dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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