Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Are we still banned from the library?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
