i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
