I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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