Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
