i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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