so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
