and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
