I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
