dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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