you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
