HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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