Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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