I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
