he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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