I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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