Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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