Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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