I think I just saw someone hide a body.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
