remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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