to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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