sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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