I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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