Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
