i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
