i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
40s are totally the cure
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
MIDGETS
????
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
