i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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