R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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