and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
