i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
