I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
