I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
