so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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