My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
