This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
do herpes really smell.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Bring me that man meat
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
