wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Text me some of your sweat
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
