Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
