I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
