1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
