don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
