Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
there's paper in my vomit.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
