in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
